At the start of this week I warned Matt:
“I feel tears coming.”
It was strange to feel them, the way one’s knee acts up when the weather is about to change. The way your face cringes anticipating a fall. I felt my throat constrict in a manner that could only mean a case of “all the feels” was a’coming.
Sure enough my forecast was right and I am embarrassed to say that my first day of my junior year concluded with tears and my face buried in Matt’s neck as I got a grotesque amount of snot and tears all over his shirt (have I mentioned how gracious my husband is?).
I cried over a series of things, and the first day just happened to embody all of the things. It is about the three month mark where I realize I am not just a visitor but I live here. It is hard to not be preparing to see my friendships in Chicago. It is hard knowing I will not practically live in Emily’s dorm room in the familiar suite of hers on Smith 7 as we watch Fixer Upper and discuss everything from JoJo’s rejection from Ben to theology and ministry to women. It’s hard to not be in a classroom when I am the definition of verbal processor. I miss my friends and family and all those that have shaped me. It is hard that I am homesick but not knowing where or what that home is.
What am I homesick for even? The most at home I feel is with Matt. But there is a degree of home in Chicago. And Kodiak is my home because my family is there and it’s the place that I love so fiercely. And California is becoming home as I meet friends that are so life giving and get involved in the community here through friendship, fellowship, and my job. But this is my first big girl move!
A passage came to memory as I was focusing on the discomfort of my situation and I was reminded by 2 Corinthians 5:1-
“For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.”
Remembering this forced me to laugh at my snot saturated, teary mess. As Christians, aren’t we all a homesick in a sense? That we know what is of this world is not all that there is and there is a greater glory beyond? I recognize my growing pains here were small: they are a normal and exciting part of big life changes. I am not ignorant to the petty nature of my tears. But I take comfort that our Papa God, sees my tears and instead of shaming me for my big tears over little things, He gives me His peace and fills me with His words.
This is a beautiful part of the marriage journey I have experienced this far. I love the easy parts and the fun parts of course. I love when I wake up and waffles are waiting for me with a coffee as well. I love when Matt and I go on adventures and laugh at things like the International Banana Museum. I love when we stay late at friends houses because we get that honest from both of our families. But I also am loving the discomfort that comes with big change. I love this homesickness as it draws me closer to God and gives me a greater appreciation for so many people and places I have been able to love. I love the heat because it reminds me that we’re all in this together here and no one is above anyone else because we all have sweat ‘staches at the end of the day. I love the new people I am meeting because I am making friends that are such a blessing and a joy to have be a part of my life. I love it all (the good and the bad) and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Cheers to the growing pains, and may your life be blessed with them too.